Still alive!

It has been over a month since I have posted anything on here. I wouldn't be lying if I said I have not tried, but to be honest, the effort just wasn't fully there, hence the silence in my posts. It has been a crazy couple of months. I have been through a lot of life-altering changes including graduating from college and working full-time at a 9-5 job. The lifestyle change was a big one for me. Every summer before this was care-free, spent mostly in a bathing suit, surrounded by friends. While I have always worked every summer since I was fourteen, this summer is significantly different because I have a "big-girl" job. I can't go out and party all night long before a work-day like I used to be able to. Trust me I learned that the hard way. In addition to that, when I go to work, I am expected to look and dress a certain way. Which means I can't show up and throw on a uniform and look like I always do. I have to dress the part I am playing now, which is myself, it turns out, but in a professional work environment. Just a few months ago, the extent of my everyday "getting ready" ritual was a shower (maybe), make-up (HA...yeah right), hair (if I was lucky enough to wake up on time), and a cute outfit (and by cute I mean yoga pants/sweat pants, a t-shirt and my chucks). These days, I need at least an hour and a half to get ready for work. It sucks. 

BUT. Do I want to go back? No fucking way. 

Having a full-time job has been both an adjustment and a learning experience for me that I hadn’t quite expected! I might have had to be up earlier for college classes, but I could show up in yoga pants and a sweatshirt and still look more on the “dressier” side. Which makes me sound lazy, but at least I wasn’t wearing pajamas! (some students did wear pajamas!)

But really, I did it because I could, and because I knew I wouldn’t be able to after graduation.

If I had the choice though, I would never go back to college- or at least that time period. 

My life has been changing so quickly over the last five years that I think part of the adjustment included feeling like my life would slow down now.  Some people say that the best years of their life were in college and that from now on all there is to look forward to is working.

But, the more I think about it, the more I feel like this is only the beginning. I worked so hard my entire life to get to this place I am at now and now, there is nothing and no one stopping me from doing whatever I want with my life. And, there are so many things I want to do with my life! I know that not everyday is going to be easy, but not everyday is going to be hard either. And so far, with each new day at my new job, there was something new to learn. Sometimes, it’s more of an abstract lesson, like, to be more assertive and to stand my ground. Running a business is hard, and I am just the administrative assistant! But, if I ever wanted to run my own business one day, I think I am getting a front row seat on how it all works, something that could be useful down the line. 

I had a great time in college. I met the best friends I could ever ask for, I learned a lot about myself (without even really knowing it), and I made it to this place I am at now. But college cannot last forever, and I wouldn’t want it to. I think I am happy just knowing I will have those memories from college and they will be what lasts forever. The way I see it, certain moments or years of my life weren’t necessarily better than others, they were all amazing and have led me to where I am right now, at this moment. I look forward to having the best years of my life and the greatest moments of my life everyday, for the rest of my life!

food for thought. 

xo e

Hay, guess what? It's Friday

That is right, it is Friday. The most grandest days of all days. Even though I have to work on Fridays, I still consider it the best day of the entire week. Why not Saturday? Or Sunday even? Here's the thing about Friday, I don't even mind working all day because I know that over the next two days I can walk around in a t-shirt and underwear and drink beer all day. If I tried something that insane during the week (but we all know its not an insane thing to do on the weekend), I would be rocking in unemployment land for sure. And probably not rocking so much as dying a slow, slow death.

But, anywhosers, today is a special day, other than the fact that it is Friday, because OITNB came out today!
(For those of you who live under a rock and do not know what that stands for, Orange is the New Black!)
Now let me just say that today really has not been the best Friday ever because I pretty much have been having the worst days of all. I plan on dumping out everything on here and then peacing for the rest of the weekend (even though I have not posted a single thing all week-sorry for that!)
So, for some odd reason I am having a lot of trouble figuring out, I cannot seem to get my ass out of bed this week. Now, this is something I struggled with for like ever, but this past year I thought I had this under control, or at least improved on it. But this week was a major setback.
I know what you are thinking. Getting up sucks for everyone. But let me tell you when I say that it is especially hard for me, I mean that in the most genuine way.
I could have my alarm on loud and located right next to my ear and I will successfully sleep right through it.
This past year, I worked really hard (and by that I mean, just attending later classes) on actually waking up when my alarm goes off and furthermore and really most importantly, I actually got up. This week, I have not been able to do any of this. I have no idea why and now that it is Friday, I really do not care.
However, this morning when I finally did get up (an hour later than I was supposed to), I was pretty angry at myself and I did care.
Fortunately and surprisingly, I got ready fairly quickly and was out the door.
Then, I remembered I was on E when I got into my car.
Heading to Felicia's because obviously a coffee and a bagel trump getting gas and it can definitely wait, and suddenly the worst thing that could possibly happen, happens.
My rear-view mirror FELL OFF.
LIKE DANGLING FROM THE WINDOW-ROOF THINGY.
I kid you not when I tell you that I began to cry. Like just started bawling my eyes out.
I became so very flustered and upset that I left Felicia's and went to Shell. I got some gas and then I tried to figure out the next logical thing to do.
This, apparently was to call my dad, then my mom, and to cry to both of them.
I swear I am 23.
And, I swear to you that this morning the entire ordeal seemed to be so much worse than it does now that I am typing it out.

Needless to say, I got over it. My amazing dad came to my work and fixed my mirror for me in the parking lot on my lunch break. 
Then, my boss bought me lunch. 

Then, my other boss let me leave early.

Then, I met up with my BFF and we sat in the sun and got drunky and had a girls night watching OITNB.

All in all, the day proved to be a pretty good one. 

And now, since it is Saturday and I am sitting on the beach with my girls (shout out to the fly five- you know who you are), and this post is a day late, I am going to have to say goodbye for now. 

Xo e

Let's all just leave Rob Kardashian alone

So, I am driving to work this morning, you know, all wrapped up in my own issues (post-Memorial Day probz). Which aren't really issues compared to the issues Rob Kardashian is experiencing right now.
First of all, let me just make it known that I could care less about the celebrities, I didn't care that Kim and Kanye were even getting married this past weekend, nor did I even know about it until this morning when I heard it on the radio. I do not watch them on TV, and I don't purposely read about them or look them up, because...
I DO NOT CARE.
I just wanted to be clear on that.
I digress.
So, I am driving to work today, and the station I am listening to starts having a discussion and at first, I am so confused because I have no idea who they are talking about. They are discussing a guy who is overweight and because of this, he left Kim's wedding. Normally this is the point when I either decide if this is a discussion worth tuning in for, or changing the station. But, this discussion hooked me right away because of some of the things the DJs were saying. Once I figured out they were talking about Rob Kardashian a lot of the story now made sense.
Just in case you don't listen to the radio or watch television or frequent twitter and other online social media sites (pretty much you live under a rock-its cool), I am going to give you a quick synopsis of what I have gathered between the radio and then googling it when I got to work (yes I know, I should be working instead of researching Rob Kardashian's life struggles).

Apparently, (well obviously), Rob Kardashian has put on some serious weight. Sources say he has been recently very depressed and that is what caused the weight gain. And, of course this weight gain obviously made him even more depressed because no one wants to be overweight. 

Especially when you are a celebrity. 

He left the wedding because he didn't want to be in the photos and he did not want to be seen or hang around all of the people who were attending the wedding due to the weight gain and his insecurities about it. 

There was a family fight over this matter and according to what I heard on the radio and read online, his family was not being supportive of him and his desire to be left out of the photos, so he bailed on the entire weekend of festivities, including the wedding ceremony. 

He was seen at LAX where reporters swarmed him with questions from the moment he was first spotted until he retreated to the black SUV that picked him up. 

And that, is what I know.

Whether it is all fact, I am not sure. 

Now, since I couldn't give my two cents to the DJ on the radio whom I completely disagreed with, I am going to say my opinion about this entire situation right HERE on my own blog. 

First of all, being a celebrity must completely SUCK. And, its not like Rob asked for all this fame or did something to become more famous (cough cough, sex tape anyone?)
Its not completely ridiculous to think that maybe he doesn't want to be famous, maybe he doesn't constantly want the cameras in his face and his business. In addition, Rob isn't and never has been as famous as his sisters, even the younger two (I don't know their names). He doesn't have a successful clothing line, he designs socks, I mean come on! The poor guy clearly is not happy! No one who designs socks is happy, especially next to his -not three, but FIVE attractive, smart, successful sisters and worst of all- his MOTHER, the biggest fame chaser of them all. If he had any shred of confidence, five minutes with that bunch and any guy would feel pretty badly about themselves. Not to mention, he probably feels pretty left out. He is the only son, except for his step-dads children however, something tells me he doesn't hang with them very often.
Oh, and I almost forgot- every time he gets to go home to this lovely estrogen-filled mansion, there are cameras following his every move.
Sounds amazing, huh?
Getting back to the radio show this morning, there were three DJs talking about this. One of them was completely bashing Rob, saying that he thought it was ridiculous that he left the wedding and believes it was all for "show." That everything was scripted and they wanted it to be this big dramatic event that would get this much publicity. This asshole tried to say that being depressed just wasn't an excuse, that it wasn't an excuse for him to have let himself go, and it wasn't an excuse that he was trying to use that in order to make a big scene and leave the wedding. He also said that if you are going to be that family who puts everything on television, then you need to be okay with being on television. (Like Rob even had a choice in the matter?) He said a bunch of other shit too, but he was just wrong. Honestly, our society is so stupid.
Because here is what is fucked up: the truly fucked up Kardashian is clearly Kim herself, she only got famous because she made a sex tape (that she probably leaked herself), she's been divorced for like five minutes, had a baby out of wedlock and is now getting married to the douchiest man on the planet (no one will forget his drunken outburst at Taylor Swift), (plus all the other ways he is a douche),  AND THEN, when her brother shows up to her wedding and didn't want to be in pictures or see some people because of his weight gain and insecurities, they pretty much didn't even try to stop him from leaving when he felt like he would ruin the pictures by being in them.

Here is what pissed me off about this DJ...
Unless you have gone through clinical depression, you do not know what it is like, nor do you have the right to be speaking about it. Furthermore, even if you have been clinically diagnosed with depression, no two people are alike, so no two depressions are alike. What this guy is going through is his business, however long it takes for him to get through it is his business and if that means he is going to gain weight or his health is going to suffer from it, then it is his business. I think it involves his family and becomes his family's business as well when he asks for their help and support. From all the reports I have read and heard so far though, it doesn't sound like they have been very supportive. I can only imagine how that must feel in an already fucked up family.

So, my day started pretty horribly because of that ass crack of a DJ and his stupidity spewing all over the radio, but there is a point to my madness! I just hope that everyone gets a little something out of this post and going forward in life!

Bottom line: it isn't our business. So, let's all just leave Rob Kardashian alone.

Here is the latest article-
http://uproxx.com/up/2014/05/rob-kardashian-was-reportedly-fat-shamed-away-from-the-kimye-wedding/


xo E

Waitress No More

Yesterday, was my final day as a waitress at a breakfast and lunch diner. 

For now, anyway. 

Who knows, I could get fired from my full-time next week and then I will have to resort to waitressing again. 

I will probably at some point have to resort to waitressing again anyway (in addition to my full-time) if I ever want to get myself out of the mound of college debt I am in. 

Which really isn't as much as most people, but still. 

My favorite part about being a waitress is that interaction with the customers. 

Most of them are nice, some of them bring their kids. 

Some of the kids are cute and polite, but most of them just stack the butters and jellies and then I have even more to clean-up, as if I already didn't have a messy table as it is- and a pancake and syrup splattered floor (beneath the messy table.) Not to mention that about 50% of them spill something throughout the course of their breakfast. 

A lot of the customers are regulars or frequents, which makes my job so much easier as a waitress. They are creatures of habit, so in addition to eating at the diner every weekend, in the same seat, at the same time, I could pretty much put in their order for them before they even tell it to me.
But, just in case, and mostly to amuse myself, I ask them what they will have anyway.

Can't you just tell I loved this job? I mean, my enthusiasm is written all over this post.

I do have to say, the money was good. That is probably what I will miss the most, before the waitresses (the ones I actually liked), and the customers (again, the ones I actually liked).
.....................

Okay, okay I am exaggerating just a little bit. In all honesty, it was a fun job. The time passed quickly and I did like the people I worked with. I was fortunate to even have been given the opportunity to work there, with all my no-experience and what-not. I became pretty quick on my feet and I learned how to roll with the punches. If the cook gives you something different than how you placed it, you have to quickly know what to do and say to the customer- sometimes it means even taking the blame yourself. I learned not to let myself get so bogged down with the little stuff, take notice to detail, ask questions, and the customer is always right (even when you know they're really not).

Fortunately, now I have the experience I needed to go on to bigger and better waitressing jobs (my freshman year college self would totally be hating my 23 year-old post graduate self for waitressing after graduation.)
But I don't mind being a waitress. It is extra cash in my pocket, for loan payments or maybe just for a 6 pack when I get out of work.
Hmm...that sounds good right about now.

adiosamigos!
xo E 

I looked up to the Sex and the City characters growing up...Pretty much explains who I became

Whenever I sit at my desk to start blogging, I feel like Carrie Bradshaw. All I need is a cigarette and New york City in front of me. 

Sex and the City is one of my all-time favorite shows, ever (and always will be.) 

Growing up, I wanted to be Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte all wrapped up into one person. 

I loved how much confidence they each had, it drove them, radiated from them. I loved that Samantha could sleep with a different guy every other night and not care if she would ever see him again (in fact, I'm pretty sure most of the time she didn't want to ever see them again.) I loved the high-powered character that Miranda was, she was a partner at a law firm, she was respected and she respected herself. I loved the charisma and poise that Charlotte maintained in everything that she did, she was the definition of class. And, Carrie, who couldn't help but love Carrie? She was the center of the entire story, she was the Sex and the City. I loved that she was always in love, and she wasn't the same person with each lover, she was confident and independent (even if she was always in a ton of debt from shopping but, lets face it, who isn't?)

Not long after I started watching Sex and the City reruns, I knew who I wanted to be when I grew up; I wanted to be a creator, a lover, a writer; a high class slut, a respected woman "in the office," and I wanted to be me. The me that was already me before I started watching Sex and the City. 

I wanted to live in a big city and live the life they all lived. The jobs, the parties, the bars, the brunches, and of course, the sex. 

But, even more than that, I wanted the passion Carrie felt and continued to carry with her through all six seasons for "Big." 

I wanted the love, dedication and loyalty they all shared for one another, themselves included. 

I wanted it all. I wanted to be Sex and the City. 

Being that I am 23, a post graduate, and living in my moms house, I am clearly on my way. HA. 

But, in all seriousness, I am on my way New York. I will save my money, pay off my loans, and in no time, I will be living in my own flat in New York City. I will probably be living on coffee, cigarettes, ramen and beer but, it won't matter because I will be there, and that is all that matters. 

xo E

FWB

We have all been there, and if you haven't, you can't even say that you haven't at least thought about it. Friends with Benefits. Even if you haven't actually had a "friend with benefits" you probably had guy friends (or girl friends, I don't judge), whom you at least thought about said topic with. There is nothing wrong with this kind of relationship, except for well, everything about it. I find it can depend on the persons involved, but I do believe that no matter who these people are, they have thought about what it would be like to bring the sex relationship to the next level. Which is what? I've always wondered who even came up with the levels of a relationship between two people, and why they even have to exist. But that is a whole other discussion for a different day. 

In the past, when I've had "friends with benefits," I found there was always one of us who liked the other, but the other didn't feel the same, they were just in it for the sex. There has been times where I have attempted a relationship with someone and found out after that to them, it was a "friends with benefits thing." 

Well this is embarrassing. 

But, there has been times where I considered a hook up to be just that, and the guy was under a different impression. 

So, back to my theory that it really just depends on who that person is. 

I think it also depends on the kind of relationship or friendship you already have with that person. I have a friend, who is a guy, who has probably had a crush on me for as long as he has known me. We have always been "just friends" because that is all I ever wanted. I didn't want the hooking up part and I didn't want the relationship. But, I knew those things were things he would always think about and want. It is hard to maintain a friendship with someone when this is the case. I liked that when we hung out I didn't need to worry or care how I looked, I could look dirty as fuck and not give two shits. I could drink beer and eat chips in my sweats and listen to music and play games and none of it would feel weird because we were just friends. 

Except it always felt weird, sometimes weirder than other times. Point being, I always knew he liked me because he would always flirt and get touchy and it honestly made me feel sick. But, mostly it just made me feel like a jerk. I didn't want him to think I was leading him on or giving him false hope, so I constantly would remind him that we were "just friends." He HATED this. Mostly, I think, because he knew that it probably never was going to happen, deep down, he knew that if it were it would have happened already. But, still he continued to flirt and touch and make jokes about us "someday" getting together. 

This also made me feel sick. 

I promise there is a point to this story. 

See the biggest problem about this friendship, is that when I get drunk or drunk-ish or apparently when I am just sleep deprived and spending my second night in a row at the university library, I get lonely and I get flirty. 

So I flirted and I gave him hope that it actually might happen, this thing that he had been waiting for since I drunkenly bumped into him at a party freshman year of college (I am 23 now.)

But it never happened, though, he certainly tried. But I couldn't go through with it. The more I thought about it, the more it felt so...wrong. 

He was one of my only guy friends that I didn't hook up with. And that is why I liked him so much-as a friend, who is a guy, and not a girl. 

He was my I-can-be-dirty-and-still-hang-with-a-guy friend. 

When you find that, you hang on to it. You don't hook up with it, and why not? Because he will like you, because he has seen you dirty, drinking beer and eating chips playing drinking games and listening to 90's music. 

He knows everything about you, and he is still your friend. 

Add sex to the equation, and its all over. 

He will be falling in love in no time. 

Then, you will have to end the sex, end the friendship because any means of a friendship after that is highly likely to be pretty much hopeless. 

And then what? 

Now you are laying around in your sweats, dirty, drinking a beer and listening to 90's music, ALONE. 

No one wants that. 

But, like I said before, it depends on the persons involved. 

I started a casual "friends with benefits" relationship with a guy I have known, and been friends with since middle school. The relationship had its ups and downs over the years because there were many times throughout high school where he liked me and I didn't feel the same way. 

A couple years ago, we were both newly single and feeling quite deprived, so we decided to become FWB. 

Unfortunately, this was harder than expected. I began to develop feelings for him that I had never even had before- not for him anyway.
Given that we had dated in the past and our friendship was such a long-term one, I knew that once I started to develop these feelings for him, they most likely would never go away.
I began to realize that for him, I wasn't what he wanted, at least, not in any sense more than what we were already doing. While the "benefits" part of the friendship continued for quite a long time, the "friends" part began to dwindle out until finally, the entire friendship was practically non-existent.

In some cases, both parties know exactly what it is. It is a hookup, "friends with benefits," nothing more. And sometimes, it actually works. But, these friendships tend to also be short-lived.

In any case, I am not against a FWB relationship however, I think its best to understand all that could possibly go wrong with it. Consider the benefits and if the negatives are going to outweigh them. But,  if you're young and able to have this kind of relationship- successfully, then I say go for it! Below is possibly the best picture ever, along with the ones I posted above. This pretty much explains how FWB is better than an actual relationship- with examples!

xo E

I'm feeling twenty-three!

"Getting older is a privilege"

My father once told me this and at first, my stubborn mind wanted to tell him no, this was wrong, for some reason I was rejecting it. I didn't want to get old, I was happy living life in my early twenties, I didn't even want to think about getting old.

I said to him, "we have to work hard everyday, we go to school, earn a degree, graduate, work our asses off all of our life just to do what? To get old? And, this is supposed to be a privilege?" 

My father explained to me, "getting older is a privilege because we work hard to get there, doing some of those things you just mentioned, but we also live a life. We fall in love and get married and have families of our own, and our children have families of their own and when you're old and grey you can look around at what you did, what you helped to create. You will have the life experience to pass on advice, to tell stories- stories that are yours, that no one else can tell. You will have a career that you are proud of, that helped to take care of this family that you helped to create."  

On Sunday, May 18, I turned 23. I remember last year one of the first things I did on my 22nd birthday was play Taylor Swift's "22," (I loveeeeeee Taylor!)
I love my birthday. Every year older, is another year of my life that I wouldn't trade for anything. The good or the bad. This is my life, no one else's, no one else gets to say they are me, and even when I get old and grey, every birthday that I celebrate is going to be just that- a celebration. Whether I live to be a hundred or I die tomorrow. The chances of my life ending tomorrow are slim to none, but in any case, if I were to die tomorrow, I could honestly say that I am proud of the life I have lived. I have made mistakes, big ones, but that is what life is all about, making mistakes, being human, living your life learning along the way. No one is an expert at life, we don't come out of the womb walking, talking and knowing everything. That is the point of life, of growing up and becoming someone and learning. 

It is a privilege to be 23!

I am proud of myself for the life behind me, and looking forward to living the one in front of me. 

Have you ever just woken up in a bad mood?

There was this split second before I really woke up this morning, where everything seemed to be great. I just finished school, I graduate this Saturday and my 23rd birthday is Sunday. Everything is good, I am good.
And then, I really woke up.
And I remembered, I have an appointment with my counselor today. 
Sometimes I love seeing my counselor because all I really need is for someone to listen to me. Listen to me go on and on about whatever it is I need to talk about.
But, today is not one of those days.
It set up my mood for the entire day. I was irritable and irritated and everything was annoying me. And, I knew that I really just didn't want to go to this appointment.
Because I have been so busy with the ending of school and the starting of my new adult life, I haven't had the chance to even think about how I am feeling. Going to my counselor meant that I was going to, for the first time in a couple weeks, have to talk about how I am feeling.
This was so scary for me because I'm not sure how I am feeling right now.
The dust from this sandstorm of a life I have been living hasn't yet settled, hasn't even given me the chance to understand or know how I am feeling. Finishing school was the distraction I needed to get through some of the hardest things I have ever gone through. Now that school is over, how will I distract myself?
Maybe I am just scared because now I have to really lay all my shit out and get through it, piece by piece. And then, piece by piece, put myself back together again.
In order to not feel so broken I know what I have to do, starting with my counseling appointments.
Maybe some days I will wake up and I will be in a great mood, and some days I will be in a terrible mood. The only thing I can do is try to understand why I am such a terrible mood, and see what I can do about it before my sandstorm completely takes out everyone in my path.
Or just go back to bed and try to wake up a little happier or at least, a little less unhappy in a couple hours.

How do you deal with your bad moods/mood swings? I will take any advice I can get!

xo E

FINALS

It happens really fast. One minute you're just lounging around, drinking a beer with your friends bundled up next to the fire as snow comes down outside. The next thing you know, its MAY. Woah, how did that happen so fast?!

Now you are scrambling, pulling all nighters, living on caffeine and munchies. This is my life right now. I haven't showered since...well I can't remember because I don't even know what day it is right now. This library has been my home for the past three days- thank you to whoever came up with the idea of a 24 hour library.

Yup, you guessed it. It's FINALS! Every student's favorite part of the semester. For me, I have this love/hate relationship with finals. I am so excited to be done with the semester and I know all I have left to do are a few papers/projects and a couple exams. Before I know it, I will be lounging on the beach with my friends forgetting all about these horrible last two weeks before I am free. 

Until, that is, the next semester begins anyway. 

However, luckily for me, I am finally graduating this time. The next time I will have to go through finals season is in grad school, which is hopefully at least a couple years away. 

I could go on and on in this single post about how much finals can seriously suck, but unless you haven't gone through college, we all know how much they suck. 

SO, I will just say this: if you are going through this, good luck! If you aren't, watch out for those of us who are because we are hungry, cranky, sleep deprived and our brains are about to explode. 

It will all be over soon and we can relax and enjoy our freedom soon enough! 

Just some encouraging eye-candy and humor to help get you through this stressful time! ;)

xo E

"time heals all wounds"

Sometimes, I feel so out of control of my life and what happens in it that I have to believe there is some reason for it. I have to believe that everything happens for a reason-even if I can't see that reason at the time. I don't mean to say that everything that happens in my life is out of my control, but sometimes it feels as though there is this path in which we each are meant to travel, without any map or guidance. 
When my parents got divorced, it felt like my world was falling apart. In my parents' defense, I was in high school when this happened and almost everything bad that happened felt like my world was falling apart. 
As I matured, the more I saw how much better my parents were apart than together. In defense of my teenager self, I had never known how much better my parents would be apart rather than together. Looking back, I know that my relationship with either of them wouldn't be as strong as it is today if they hadn't divorced. Today, I am thankful for their divorce, but looking back on that awful year, I remember thinking it couldn't ever get worse.
This semester I went through a life-altering situation that will forever change who I am. I am not a teenager in high school anymore with no life experience, I am graduating from college and turning 23 in a few weeks. For the first time since my parents divorce, I truly felt depressed and sad. This was worse than my family's break up, something inside me had died. 
I stopped eating, I barely slept, I quit showing up for school and work. Everything inside me hurt. The feelings I had were emotional, but they were so strong that I could physically feel them. 
Eventually, I realized this was no way to continue living, I had to get myself some help. 
Since I reached out for help, I will not lie, life hasn't been easier. Sometimes, I just want a quick fix for something, I want to be able to snap my fingers and make everything go away. I just want to feel better. But, that isn't how life works. I need to hurt this bad in order to feel better. And its nothing that can be  "fixed" or a quick fix, only time will allow me to move forward with my life. Just like time showed me the good in my parents' divorce, I am sure time will show me the reason or if anything the lesson in my struggles this year. 

Calling all bookworms!

I love to read, it is one of my favorite pass-times. I can't remember when exactly I began reading, but I know I was fairly young. I love losing myself in someone else's story, letting myself get wrapped up in a life that isn't my own. Books are extremely detailed, authors have to work that much harder to not only create a character for their stories, but an entire personality. Because of this, I have always admired those who can write books, who have that much of a creative mind to be able to come up with detailed plots and characters. 

I have an ereader with well over a hundred books on it- most of which I have read. While I love my nook because of how convenient it is, I still enjoy going to the library and taking out books. Sometimes, I just miss turning an actual page, versus swiping or pressing a button on my nook. Plus, all the books in the library have this smell, this old book smell that no ereader or iPad could ever give you the experience of while reading.  

Because I have read so many amazing books I decided to list some of my favorites/ recently read books below, in the hope that (if anyone is actually reading my blog), you can post your favorite books and I can find some new reads! 
I am sure I have forgotten some as well, but I will continue to update and add to the list as I discover new reads!

Dirty Girls - The Naked Truths about our Guilty Secrets - Gillian Telling. This is my all-time favorite book. If you want to know anything about women - especially in our twenties and thirties, this is as real as it gets!

Bridges of Madison County - Robert James Waller

Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas - James Patterson

Harvesting the Heart - Jodi Picoult (Pretty much anything by Picoult is a great read, but this is my favorite by her)

The Memory of Running - Ron Mclarty (this was a book assigned to my senior english class by our professor. I have never loved a book so much that I was assigned to read!)

Winter Garden - Kristin Hannah 

The Fault in Our Stars - John Green (there is a movie of this book coming out this year! Read it before it does!)

Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn

It's Not Love, It's Just Paris - Patricia Engel 

The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath 

Say You're Sorry - Michael Robotham (If you like suspense/mystery novels, this author is amazing!)

Bared To You, Reflected in you, Entwined with You - Sylvia Day (This series is like Fifty Shades of Grey -which was also very good. However, I think Day's series are written better than the Fifty Shades series.) 

The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd (Even though I saw this movie before I read the book, it was still a powerful read that I enjoyed even more than I enjoyed the movie!)

A Whole New Mind - Daniel H. Pink 

Unbearable Lightness - Portia de Rossi

The Perks of Being a Wallflower - Stephen Chbosky (this is also a movie, in case you are like me who likes to read a book and then watch the movie!)

My Horizontal Life - Chelsea Handler (I think this woman is hilarious, and this isn't the only book she has written!)

One Day - David Nicholls

Staying Strong - Demi Lovato (This is a page-a-day kind of a book, but you can read it however you would like! Just some great inspiration from a girl who knows what its like to struggle)

Labor Day - Joyce Maynard

Unbeautifully - Madeline Sheehan 

If I Stay - Gayle Forman 

When you really want to call him but...

We've all been there. Whether its a recent ex-boyfriend (or not so recent), someone new you're dating, or your frequent hook-up buddy. I get it, were only human and sometimes we get lonely and restless and just want someone to talk to and cuddle us. THATS OKAY. I don't think there is anything wrong with this. 
Unless...
It is 2 in the morning and you just left the bar with your friends. Any calls you make at this time will either go straight to voicemail (where you will for sure leave an embarrassing message or leave one by mistake while you talk on and on to your friends about that hot guy at the bar), or he will answer and invite you over. In this case it was just too easy, you weren't even expecting him to be awake anyway, who stays up past 2 on a Tuesday? Besides you and your friends of course...
Just don't do it. Get a cab. Or a safe ride home. Hydrate yourself and go to sleep. Work is still going to suck tomorrow whether you sleep alone or with someone else. 

I would go over every scenario I could think of, but the list would go on forever. Just remember, your life will still go on whether you call/text him or not. Personally, it usually makes me feel better to just leave it alone. If he wants to hear from you, he will call you. And if he doesn't call, well that is what tequila is for! (maybe just hide your phone!)           xo E

"Friends are the family you choose."

I hadn't ever thought about family and friends until I saw it written this way, and then realized the truth in it. It wasn't like it wasn't something I never thought about, but maybe not on such a conscious level. 

I love my family in the most unconditional way a person can. I would never ask for or want to replace them. They are my family, and no one else gets to say that. But, like this quote implies without actually saying it, we don't get to choose our family.

I went to college because I wanted to earn my degree, but I also wanted to get out of my town and meet new people. (And I was looking forward to the freedom and parties!)

But most importantly, I wanted to meet my best friend(s), the ones that I would have those memories of college to share with and look back on for the rest of my life. I didn't care about falling in love or dating, I just wanted to make the kind of friendships that I never had in high school. 

Five years later, I am about to graduate from college and I can honestly say that I have never felt more love in my life than I do now. I met some of the best people I will ever meet during my five years in college, and these people are my four best friends. These girls are the family that I chose. 

My five years of college (yes, five), were the greatest years of my life. I met all kinds of people, from everywhere, not just Rhode Island. I fell in love (unintentionally, but sometimes you can't help it). And then I went through a break up (completely intentional).

And eventually, I discovered something that I actually looked forward to studying and learning. 

But my favorite memories will always be the ones I spent with my four best friends. 

Sometimes life can throw you curve balls, like really big ones that hit you out of nowhere, turn your life upside down. Something like this happened to me this semester, a curve ball that was big enough to knock me off of my feet and dissemble me. If it weren't for my friends, I would still be laying on the ground waiting for someone to help pick me up and piece me back together. 

I am so grateful I met these girls and even more so for the support they have continued to give me over the years. 

If I could teach anyone about life through this blog, I hope it is the real importance of true friendships. There is nothing like that feeling of home when you are with the family that you chose.

xo E

Ladies, lets say it together, "I'm not interested."

As I am sure most people my age are, I am in a group chat with my friends. We message mostly in the group chat because its easier than relaying the same thing to five different people, and its way more fun! Throughout the day we send each other articles, funny jokes and pictures, and pins on Pinterest. 

Most of the time they are just for fun. But, sometimes an article or a quote is passed along that is too perfect not to share with the rest of the world-

"Stop Saying 'I Have A Boyfriend'" by Alecia Lynn Eberhardt

http://lunalunamag.com/2013/09/05/stop-boyfriend/

The article discusses her issue with women not being to tell a guy when they aren't interested. She is SO RIGHT! Every time my friends go out to a bar, there is always that sketchy guy or group of guys that won't leave us alone! Unless one of us actually has a boyfriend, I don't think we ever told a guy that in order to get rid of him. However, we aren't always as direct as we should be or use the exact words "I'm not interested." 

In fact, the one time I do remember telling a guy I wasn't interested, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. He didn't walk away or take the "I'm not interested," as a signal that I wanted him to leave me alone. Instead he assumed I was taken and that was why I wasn't interested. I never realized how dismissive he was of my request to be left alone until I read this article. The disrespect men have toward women and their wishes to be left alone when asked, is all over the bars and clubs. This won't become a non-issue until we start demanding more respect. 

so READ the article. PASS it on. and practice it!

xo E

Pretty Little A-nswers please!

Along with thousands of other girls my age, I too watched the finale of Pretty Little Liars last night. I caught on to the show four years ago and read some of the books too. Immediately, I was hooked, the combination of girly cattiness, romance and suspense is perfect! I will admit though, at times it can be extremely far-fetched and I feel like I am growing out of it, especially in more recent years. So, why don't I just stop watching the show? HA. If I could, I would. 

But, if I stopped watching the show and missed out on the big reveal of "A" I would never get over it. I have invested myself too much to stop tuning in every week. If it wasn't for their BIG reveals every few episodes or so, I may have stopped watching it long ago. This single dilemma that I know I share with the majority of viewers is why this show has been so successful. We want to know what will happen next because we have been waiting years- literally YEARS for this show to come to an end. 

I am convinced I will be 80 years old watching these girls get tortured by "A." 

While last night's episode answered some questions, it only replaced those questions with even more new ones! 

Looking forward to the new season coming out in June! 

Blindfolded

I have never been the long-term relationship type. Its not that I am dead inside or anything, but I tend to do better on my own. I have dated and done my fair share of meeting guys and hooking up, but I haven't met that guy I am willing to settle down for. Timing is also a huge factor for me, personally. The early years of your twenties are meant to be fun and wild, and I enjoy the life that I live and the freedom I have living it. 
I am constantly on the outside looking in to my friends' relationships, because thats what girls do, we talk things out. I have come to realize when girls are really into someone or like them or are in love with them, they tend to develop what I refer to as the blindfold. 
Sometimes when we are in a situation, whether that be a romantic one or not, we can get so wrapped up in it and soon we can't even see the situation for what it really is anymore. Or what it may be turning into. When my friends talk to me about these relationships, whether its to ask me for advice or just simply complain, I find it so odd that they can't see what is sometimes right in front of them. 
I have to remind myself they are unable to see this truth because they are in this situation. As a friend, I am constantly struggling with how I should approach this situation. Do I tell them the way I see it and risk hurting their feelings? Or, do I let them get to this conclusion on their own? 
I love my friends more than anything in this world, but in certain situations I don't think there is such a black and white solution to this problem. I think it depends both on the situation and the person. 
I have been in relationships where I know what I need to do, that I have decisions to make if I want to make a change and be happy again. But even though I knew this for such a long time and my friends constantly told me what I needed to do, it took me forever to act on it because I wasn't ready. 
As I get older and learn more through my own past and my friends' pasts, I try to go into any new situation with open eyes, blindfold-free. It can be hard to control that, feelings and emotions can wrap us up into feeling something we never expected to feel - there is nothing at all wrong with this. 
However, the more open we are to a situation, the easier it will be to walk away from it if it doesn't work out. So, try to take a step back and remove the blindfold. Look at your current situation - or whatever it is that is bogging you down - and try to get a new perspective. If anything, to help yourself!


xo E

"I really need a drink"

Life is hard, I don't care what anyone says. 

If it were easy though, I don't think it would even be fun- I mean, that is the point isn't it?

I can do absolutely nothing all day long, lay in my bed and watch documentaries on Netflix. Just the thought of it makes me long for a day off. 

BUT

There is always a but...

At the end of that "relaxing" day, I don't want to get up and go out with my friends. I just want to stay where I'm at, in my bed with my Netflix and snacks. 

On the other hand...

There is always another hand...

At the end of a long day at work or school -or worse, both work and school, all I can say is: 

"I really need a drink."

And there is nothing better than a beer with your friend(s) at the end of one of these days. Not even a day spent in bed watching Netflix. 

We spend the majority of our lives looking forward, making plans, setting goals. There isn't anything wrong with this, and in some cases its necessary and completely worth it. Every morning I set mini goals, sometimes even as simple as remembering to send an email I keep forgetting to send. By the end of the day the only goal I have for myself is to set aside time to relax. Sometimes that relaxation is best spent with my friends and sometimes its best spent alone in my bed. For everyone, that relaxation method is different and the sooner in your life you know what works for you, the sooner you can be the best version of yourself! 

So go ahead, have that drink. 

Tell your friends about your day, laugh with each other and enjoy yourself. 

Because...

Tomorrow will always come and life will still be hard. 

And because of that, you DESERVE a good time. 

xo E

So, where do I go from here?

Being that this is my second post, I have been stressing over what I would write about.
Trust me, I have a lot to say. But I want to take this slow. Like a relationship, I want to give you just enough to keep you coming back, but not too much to completely lose you because I said all there was to say in my second blog post.
Not that I am an expert on relationships.
Or blogging. Clearly.

So, don't ask me why, but I googled the word "second."
I didn't feel like reading, so I went straight to the images that came up for the word "second."
Scrolling...scrolling..."this is stupid I need to think of something to write"...scrolling...
Then, a photo popped up about the second amendment.
It only seems consistent of me to mention the second amendment in my second blog post since I mentioned the first amendment in my first blog post.

According to Wikipedia, "The Second Amendment to the United States Constitution protects the right of individuals to keep and bear arms." 
I am going to keep this short and sweet because I have no business discussing such a topic that I know very little about. 
When it comes to owning your own firearm, I think there is such a grey area in which this issue resides. On one hand, we will never forget the children and teachers whose lives were taken too soon at Sandy Hook Elementary School in December, 2013. Furthermore, we will never forget any child or person who's life was taken too soon due to a shooting. My condolences to their families. 
What bothers me is this- If the government takes away the right to your own firearm, people will still find ways to obtain them. And, if they cannot, there are other ways to harm people, there will always be another way. It is the sad truth of the world we live in today. 
As far as a solution to this issue, I don't have one because its not my position to have one. In my opinion, I would get away with them. And, if this included hunting guns, those can go too. (I am vegan)
I don't pretend to know anymore than anyone else in relation to what will come of this law. No matter the law though, this is always going to be certain; some will adhere to it, some will break it. Some people break the law everyday when they get in the car and don't wear their seat belts. And some people are harmful and they kill and steal and eventually, if they haven't already, they will go to jail. And if they never do, I am sure they aren't going anywhere peaceful after they die. 

Woah, I got a little dark there. 

Now that I have completely depressed you...

I promise my third blog post will have nothing to do with the constitution or amendments. 

peace&love,
xo Erin 



http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Second_Amendment_to_the_United_States_Constitution

Who am I?

Is it even possible for me to sum up myself in one blog post? I sure hope not. Pretty sure my school papers are always at least a page or two longer than the maximum pages required. A 6-8 page paper becomes 10. Without the bibliography. "I just had a lot to say." 

So writing one blog post is not nearly even close to being a little bit of enough to tell anyone about who I am. 
SO, you will just have to continue reading my blog. 
Or don't. 
Either way I will still be here. 

I will tell you this- I have no expectations for how this blog is going to come out. There is no central theme to it, there is just my personal purpose- a place for me to share. A place that isn't Facebook, because we all know we already have enough of that from everyone else in the world. 
And, a place where I can practice the first amendment simply because its my right. 

SPOILER ALERT I am a girl. I will talk about girly things. If what I have to say does not interest you, please don't tell me, I don't care. Otherwise, commentary is welcome. 
That being said, I am not a bimbo. I will discuss real world issues from sex to politics to lifestyle choices. And then sometimes I may talk about my last Friday night out with friends in which one of us made a complete fool of ourselves on the dance floor, one cried, one left with some guy and one fell enough times to get us kicked out of the bar. Or one of us did all of those things. And it was probably me. 
Before I completely come off as a sloppy, drunk mess I will end this post now. 

Until next time, 
xo Erin